Book Review: If I Can’t Have You by Gregg Olsen, Rebecca Morris
Welcome, 2022! A new year calls for new things…like books! Books have long been my Christmas gift of choice (any special occasion, really). New or used, any genre, I am ecstatic to be gifted with books.
My husband definitely took note of the laundry list of books I’ve been dying to get a hold of. He gifted me with a number of true crime and suspense books along with a cozy blanket that reads “Coffee and True Crime.” Here we are halfway into January and I’ve already finished two of the books. One of those was the true-crime novel by Gregg Olsen and co-author Rebecca Morris, If I Can’t Have You: Susan Powell, Her Mysterious Disappearance, and the Murder of Her Children.
Olsen and Morris do a phenomenal job telling the powerful and heartbreaking true story about Utah mother and wife Susan Powell who mysteriously disappears one Sunday in December of 2009.
If you are not familiar with author Gregg Olsen and love true crime, I highly encourage you to check out his work. I first read his true crime novel If You Tell: A True Story of Murder, Family Secrets, and the Unbreakable Bond of Sisterhood last year and loved the way he told the story, almost as if I was experiencing it for myself. Other books of his I read include If Loving You is Wrong and A Killing in Amish Country (co-author Rebecca Morris), which I finished earlier this month. I recently started reading Bitch On Wheels, and while I’ve only read the first chapter, I’m already hooked. On my bookshelf waiting for me is Abandoned Prayers: An Incredible True Story of Murder, Obsession, and Amish Secrets.
*Alert: This blog contains spoilers!
You may have heard of Susan Powell since her mysterious disappearance in December of 2009 made national attention. I remember hearing mention of it back then but did not look into or pay attention to the story until after reading this book.
The book focuses on the months leading up to Susan’s disappearance and the years that follow, and it ends after Josh commits a murder-suicide, killing his two little boys and then himself in a planned house explosion.
The story is well laid out so that you get a good understanding of each individual, including their upbringing, personality, relationships, and the issues or struggles they have or are experiencing. This helps you to understand why they may act the way they do.
Below is a detailed summary of the book followed by my review and personal thoughts on the case itself.
Overview
Background and Upbringing: Josh Powell and Susan Cox
Josh is the third oldest of five children to Steven and Terrica Powell. He has two older siblings, Jennifer and John, and two younger, Michael and Alina. Steve and Terrica had a dysfunctional marriage caused in part by Steve’s hatred of the Mormon church (Steve is an ex-Mormon), his obsession with pornography which he introduced his sons to at a young age, and his lack of structure or rules in the home. Some light is shed on Steve’s childhood, which wasn’t the best. Steve and Terrica divorced in 1992.
All the children, except for the oldest Jennifer (married name Jennifer Graves), were brainwashed by Steve’s negative views and followed his beliefs and do-what-you-want attitude. Susan comes from a structured home and has a loving family. She was raised Mormon and holds tight to her faith. She works as a hairstylist and shares a close relationship with her three sisters and parents, Chuck and Judy Cox, who are still married.
Susan and Josh first meet in 2000.
April 2001: Marriage and Children
Susan and Josh met at a religious course in 2000. They married in April the following year and for a brief time, they lived at Steve’s home in Washington. But Susan feels uncomfortable around her father-in-law and so the two move to West Valley City, Utah. They start their family in their new state and have two boys, Charles (2005) and Braden (2007).
While Susan lived at her father-in-law’s house, Steve had developed an obsessive infatuation with her. He followed her around the house, spied on her, took photos of her, stole her laundry, and read her journal. This is later revealed as investigators work to determine what happened to her.
As you learn about their life and marriage, you may (understandably) begin to hate Josh. It’s evident that he was never taught how to be a self-sufficient individual and never received any type of discipline. He cannot hold down a job to provide for his family and hops from one job to the next. He likes to think he has an entrepreneurial mind but is really clueless and any business he starts crashes immediately. Josh also has no friends, unlike Susan.
Due to Josh’s inability to provide for his family, Susan must serve as the financial provider while also being the only real parent the boys have. She balances a full-time job at Wells Fargo Financial while maintaining the house and taking care of the children. And Josh controls all of the finances. He spends money stupidly, on things that satisfy him, while the family struggles to afford food. One time, Josh handed Susan $20 to go food shopping for their family of four. She learns how to make bread since money is “tight.”
Their marriage starts to seriously crumble and Susan attends marriage counseling in hopes it’ll help, but Josh shows zero interest. Again, Josh doesn’t care about his family and he continues with his self-centeredness and his controlling behavior worsens. Josh also begins to bash the Mormon church, like his father. Family and friends encourage and support Susan to get out of the marriage. But Josh won’t allow it, divorce is not an option.
Realizing that Josh has some serious problems, Susan accepts the reality that she needs to get out of the marriage. She keeps notes, a journal, on her work computer about her marital problems and Josh’s super controlling behavior. As you read excerpts from her journal, it seems that Susan has come to the realization that Josh is the problem and she needs to save herself and her boys. She hints that she doesn’t feel safe. Susan places a handwritten note in a bank lockbox saying if she suddenly disappears, it was likely not an accident. She also records herself documenting her family’s assets.
December 2009: Susan’s Strange Disapperance
On Sunday, December 6, 2009, Susan goes missing.
That day a neighbor visited and leaves around 5 p.m.
Susan goes down for a nap.
Josh says he is taking the boys sledding.
On Monday, December 7, Charlie and Braden’s daycare provider contacts Terrica and Jennifer, Josh’s sister, after not being able to reach Josh or Susan. It’s important to note that Jennifer is the only sibling who is close with the Cox family.
Josh returns home at 5 p.m. with the boys and is greeted by police. Josh tells authorities that he took the boys on a late-night camping trip at Simpson Springs Campground, about two hours away from their home.
Camping…on a Sunday, December night….temperatures were below freezing.
Josh does not know where his wife is. But he sure is concerned about cleaning the interior of his van, which his neighbors witnessed and found super disturbing.
On Tuesday, December 8, Josh informs Chuck and Judy that Susan is missing. Josh is interviewed by police, and he speaks to investigators one more time after that. He misses his next scheduled interview on December 15. The previous day he had hired an attorney.
On Wednesday, December 9, Susan and Josh’s home is searched by police. They find Susan’s blood in the house, life insurance policies for $1.5 million (Susan was aware of these policies that Josh obtained), and a letter from Susan fearing for her life. Nine days later Josh takes Charlie and Braden up to Washington to stay at his father’s house. In early January 2010, Josh and his brother Michael return to Josh’s Utah home to pack everything up as Josh wanted to rent out the house. Later that month, a warrant is issued seizing the blue minivan driven the night of Susan’s disappearance.
As the investigation continues, a long battle between the Powell and Cox families begins. As the Cox family along with investigators and friends as well as strangers do their part to help find Susan, the Powell family (Steve, Josh, and Alina especially) take actions to sway the focus and spread misinformation. They make false claims that Susan ran away with another man. They create a website bashing the Mormon church and disclose false information about Susan and her disappearance. They threaten to publish her journal diaries. Steve lives out his fantasy by telling the lie that he and Susan were in love and shared a relationship.
But everyone knew better.
February 2012: Murder-Suicide
Chuck and Judy Cox grow increasingly concerned about the safety of their grandsons since their father is a person of interest in the disappearance of their daughter. After Steve is arrested for child pornography, Charlie and Braden are placed in protective custody, and Chuck and Judy wrangle with Josh over custody of the boys. Chuck and Judy are awarded temporary custody and a state judge allows Josh to have supervised visitation with his sons. This destroys Josh. He, all of a sudden, cares about his kids and works to get them back. He finds a place to live and starts actually spending time with them on the days they visit with a caseworker. When he goes back to court, under the impression that he will get full custody, he’s surprised to learn that he is not granted custody. The state rules that the children stay with Chuck and Judy.
This is what I believe ultimately led to Josh’s murder-suicide. He knew it was over. He may not have been charged with his wife’s disappearance, but everyone knew he was involved and everyone was fighting to protect Charlie and Braden.
On Sunday, February 5, 2012, the caseworker drives Charlie and Braden to their father’s house for a supervised visit. The boys anxiously run from the car into Josh’s house, and Josh quickly locks the door before the caseworker can make her way inside. He had doused the house with gasoline and set it on fire, after attempting to kill his boys with an ax.
All three died in the fire.
Steve learns of Josh’s murder-suicide while in jail and appears unconcerned. He invokes his fifth amendment right shortly after.
The following year, Josh’s younger brother, Michael, takes his own life.
Police closed the investigation in May 2013. They believe that Michael played a much large role in Susan’s disappearance, and in a case file, police reveal that Josh was having an affair with a woman he met on an online dating site. It’s believed that Michael killed himself as investigators started focusing their attention on him and his ties to Susan’s disappearance.
Steve was released from prison in 2017 and died the following year. He never discussed where Susan could or might be.
Alina Powell still defends her brother and family to this day.
My Review and Rating
Powerful, disturbing, and heartbreaking, this book is one that every true crime fan must-read. As I mentioned earlier, the timeline of events is very well laid out so you almost feel as if you’re going through it yourself. You learn about Josh as a person and what he experienced growing up, and how that may have influenced his current behavior. The book also touches on mental illness. John Powell, Josh’s older brother, is bipolar and has schizophrenia. Now factor in that Josh takes his own life after murdering his boys, Michael commits suicide, and add that their father, Steve was addicted to porn and had a gross obsession with Susan…I think mental illness could have played a role in Josh’s actions.
The book is also a reminder that domestic violence, unfortunately, occurs more often than we realize. Domestic violence is not just physical or sexual, either. It is also psychological and emotional. I was happy to learn that Susan’s friends and family saw that Josh was controlling and encouraged her to leave. Her friends and family express that often in the book. Also, Susan’s journal entries on her work computer helped show readers over time how she realized she was in danger and needed to get out.
In regards to child custody, if you’re a person of interest in your spouse’s murder, I believe your children should be taken from you. I’m glad the children stayed with their grandparents and the grandparents fought to keep the boys away from Josh. I don’t think Josh should have even been allowed supervised visits. His actions were too suspicious. He did not help with the investigation or search, he hired an attorney not even two weeks after Susan’s disappearance, plus there were major clues like Susan’s blood in the house, her journal entries, and the handwritten letter in the lockbox.
Although the story is a sad one, I applaud Chuck and Judy for how they acted, despite not knowing where their daughter is and not getting answers. Even when they had that gut feeling that their son-in-law Josh was involved in their daughter’s disappearance, they didn’t display anger or disdain towards him. They focused on finding their daughter and getting custody of their grandchildren.
I was hooked on this book because I, obviously, wanted the answer to where Susan is. But, also to learn more and understand how Josh’s childhood and his family impacted him.
I’m also interested in the investigation and all the steps the police took. I’m obviously not a detective and understand that if you charge someone with a crime, it’s vital to have a good amount of evidence, even if circumstantial. But, were Susan’s journal entries, her blood in the house, statements from friends and family about Josh’s controlling behavior, and even her handwritten note that if she’s gone it may not be an accident, not enough to arrest him? Josh cleaned his car as soon as he returned from that snowy camping trip, and didn’t cooperate with police or show much interest in the search to help find Susan. Again, I’m not an investigator but those questions linger in my mind.
I learned about Josh’s alleged affair with a woman he met online after I finished the book and did some research to learn more about the story in general. This brings me to the more pressing question, Why? Why did Susan “disappear?”
There is the insurance money that could have been the motive. Josh could have very well been having an affair and wanted Susan gone to be with someone else. I think control itself could have been the driving factor and Josh got rid of Susan simply because…he could.
The affair motive seems most plausible but in this case, there’s not much to support it. It seems many tragic stories like this are the result of affairs. Think Scott Peterson, Chris Watts. Both men killed their wives and children and were having affairs.
Has no one heard of divorce? Do these people think divorce is harder than murder?
So many thoughts, so many questions…
I hope one day the Cox family gets answers and closure about their daughter, sister, and friend Susan Powell.
I gave the book a 5-star rating.
GoodReads rates the book a 3.99/5
Have you read If I Can’t Have You: Susan Powell, Her Mysterious Disappearance, and the Murder of Her Children? If so, leave your thoughts in the comments!
